It has been sunny here in Oregon. Cold but sunny. This burst of golden light has helped my mood. I always forget how much the dark and dreary weather affects me. All is not sunshine and roses in my life, but I feel like I can breathe. Anxiety and depression are hard to deal with. They lie to you; one about the future and the other about the past. Neither allows you to be in the present. Neither allows you to stop and smell the roses. Or giraffes as the case may be. Let’s take lessons from bebe and stop and smell the giraffe.
I’m coming around to this idea of deep cleaning in the new year. I love it. I’m not sure why it never occurred to me before. I mean I love fresh starts. I love having a clean organized house. It makes me feel calm and relaxed when things are put away and everything is clean. This battles with my anxiety and depression that keeps me laying curled up on the couch. I sometimes have a panic attack and need to clean before everything feels okay again. This all being said is a long way to say we cleaned our carpets today.
Now I want to rearrange my living room, but cannot for the life of me come up with a new way to make it safe with bebe. Mostly because of blocking off under the computer desk is tricky.
Though I will sleep on it tonight because we won’t put everything back until tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow we are going to clean the bedroom carpet and do a shit ton of laundry.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday weekend!
The first week of the new year brought me back to work part time. Bebe and I are still adjusting to this new normal. Me more so than her. She is just phenomenal.
I think this will be good for both of us and for Alex too. Good all around, but that doesn’t make it easy.
I made a dairy free chicken pot pie for dinner tonight.
Here is the recipe I used and modified. I left out the sour cream. Alex didn’t think it needed the Philo dough on the top, but you know me I love Philo. I just wish I figured out it was dairy free sooner. Now I can make baklava with my butter substitute. Looking forward to that.
Most years I have goals such as loose weight, save money, pay off debt. All good goals. All things I need to do this coming year, but this year is different. Different for so many reasons. The biggest being Bebe.
I want to think of resolutions in terms of setting a good example for bebe. What kind of person do I hope she will grow up to be? How do I foster independence, self reliance, and resilience? How do I model positive self care?
This year my resolutions are:
Establish a daily routine; three table meals a day, reading books, going for walks, etc.
Keep a clean and organized home
Make new friends
Get my anxiety under control
Remember to do my best every day
Work on self care; taking time for myself, getting more sleep, doing things I enjoy, ect.
Take more pictures with my camera instead of my phone!
I guess I’m feeling a bit maudlin this first Sunday of December. Wishing for the crisp cold sunny days of northern California while trying to stay positive in the grey of Oregon is not really working so well for me.
Every year I post about December. Sometimes its wish lists. Sometimes its year end summations. Sometimes its my tree and all the decorations. This year is different. So my December posts should be different too.
This has been a year of change and discovery. Relationships have changed so much over the past year it makes my head spin to think on it. People I would not have ever dreamed of have come into my life and are helping me see the good. People I never dreamed of hurting me have done so very deeply.
This December while I reflect on all of this I am also yearning to begin new traditions. Bebe is my shining light. She will guide me through the darkness of winter. Focus on her and creating memories is all that really matters. She has helped me so much already and will continue to do so for the rest of my days.
Sorry for all the melancholy, but such is the breaks when you have PPD and PPA.
I hope this December finds all of you well and that you are able to look past the stress of consumerism and find light and love in the holiday season.
Oh how the days are long, but the time is also flying by. I know that bébé will be crawling and walking and talking and going off to school before I know where all the time went. But… And it’s a big but. I need sleep. I need time to be a person. I need to be sane for my little bébé. I feel just a little unmoored. I feel as if I have no direction or anchor. I miss the structure of working. Having some place to be everyday at a specific time. I’m trying to cultivate a routine a rhythm for our days, but alas I have yet to find the energy to put this into practice. So for now I just go through my days and try and remember that bébé is all that matters.
In other news I made some lactation bars that were milk and soy free and they were so delicious that the whole pan was gone within 24 hours. I need to make these again and portion them out better.