When I was pregnant I had a recurring dream. Continue reading “Anxiety Dreams”
Two months into this whole mommy thing and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Continue reading “Two Months In”
The baby is coming soon. My due date is 10 short weeks away and this has me thinking. Thinking about my future and thinking about my past.
I was born on the last day of winter in 1981. A few more hours and I would have been born in spring. I know what hospital I was born at. I know the time and how big I was, but I do not know much else. I have very few photos of myself as a child. The ones I do have were squirreled away by my aunt and my grandma. Saved from the ravages of my mother and a nasty divorce.
I truly believe that my parents should have never been married in the first place. I realize this would have resulted in both myself and my sister not being born, but this is still a truth I believe to my core. My parents married when my mother was 5 months pregnant with me. They story goes that they married so I would not be aborted. My sister came along less than two years later and they were separated heading for divorce before she turned one.
I have very few memories of my mother. She left one day and didn’t come back for ten years. One memory is of my father striking her and her falling to the ground in the drive way of our house. Another is at her house in Sacramento that she shared with her new boyfriend where she would have doll parties and I was not allowed to touch the dolls. That house had another memory of her boyfriend making me clean up my own throw-up, remember I was only 3 at the time.
She returned when I was in the 8th grade. I’m unsure what she was expecting, but my skepticism and teen angst was not it. She wanted my to be a loving adoring daughter and I felt she was a stranger. She left and returned many times in my life since then. The last time being about 5 years ago when Alex and I were about to move to Maryland. She wanted to have a relationship with me and at the time I had been seeing a therapist about all my childhood shit. I was feeling forgiving towards her. I suggested that we get to know each other over e-mail during the year I was gone and see if we could build a relationship. I e-mailed her a couple of times, but when I received no response I stopped. She did not want to put the effort into getting to know me as a person, she just wanted me to act like she had been around my entire life. Maybe I’m in the wrong, but not allowing people in my life to treat me badly no matter if they are related to me or not is better for my soul and for my child.
December has come and gone.
This was the last Christmas before the baby comes and it was fairly normal. Some family drama, some relaxation, and plenty of food.
Winter break began with our usual trek to the golden state.