Anxiety, bébé, Cleaning, Life, Mental Health

Clean house Clean mind

I’m coming around to this idea of deep cleaning in the new year.  I love it.  I’m not sure why it never occurred to me before.  I mean I love fresh starts.  I love having a clean organized house.  It makes me feel calm and relaxed when things are put away and everything is clean.  This battles with my anxiety and depression that keeps me laying curled up on the couch.  I sometimes have a panic attack and need to clean before everything feels okay again.   This all being said is a long way to say we cleaned our carpets today.

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bébé, Life, Mental Health

Instagram (Facebook) world


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Welcome to a world where everyone shares everything.  And by everything I mean small snippets of their lives that they deem worthy and acceptable to share.   I try to be open and honest with myself.  Especially, now, with a young child.  I know that I am not perfect.  I know that I am not the best, brightest, most beautiful.  I see my flaws (probably more than I should), but who could tell that based on just Instagram?  Social media sometimes makes life harder than it needs to be.  We still need to connect with each other in real life.

The Z girls catching some zzzs in the late afternoon sunshine.

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Many years ago before Facebook and all this I had a co-worker of mine tell me that she always knew when I was upset.  I asked her how?  She told me that I get quiet when something is bothering me.  I didn’t even realize this myself and really no one else has ever made this very astute observation.  These past four years in Oregon have been a very quiet time for me.  It’s past time I start making some noise.

Thinking about this now I realize it is probably something that I developed as a child.  Something to help keep me safe in the unstable house I grew up.  There was lots of yelling and name calling in my house.  I would hide under my bed for hours until I became too big to fit nicely.  To this day I hate yelling.  I cannot bear to be around people who are yelling or arguing.  The rational side of my brain says that arguing is alright, but the side of my brain that is a little girl just wants to hide.

Trying out the Moby again.

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Confrontation makes me super uncomfortable and  it is something I need to work on.  I need to learn how to stand up for myself and those I care about.  I want to be a warrior instead of a worrier.  I just don’t know how to get from point A to point B.  Especially when my whole life when I’ve wanted something for myself I’ve been told that I’m selfish.  How, do I make a leap of faith when my self-esteem is so low that jokes knock the wind out of my sails?  I need to figure this all out especially since I’m a role mode for my sweet bébé. I want her to be fearless.  I want her be able to do the things she wants and not worry if I’ll be there to catch her.  I want her to stand up for herself and others.

Super excited about making a cake for the first time since bebe was born.

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In order for this to happen I need to work on myself.  Tuesday, I begin therapy again.  I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to make some progress.  First step is to eliminate this crippling anxiety that makes me question everything.  I know that there is no quick fix and that I’ll revisit my issues again and again throughout my life, but that is another good example for bébé.  She will grow up knowing that when you need help it’s okay.  Everyone needs help from time to time.  I also want her to always feel loved.  I’ve had many moments in my life where I did not felt loved, or wanted, or cared for.

Okay, enough rambling for today.  This sleep deprived mama needs some dinner.


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Apollo, Life

Why Write?


I’ve been thinking on this question a lot lately.

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Friends, Life, Portland OR, Shopping

ModCloth has come to town




Izzi and I ventured to the down town mall.  ModCloth was there.  I was super excited.  I wanted to try on everything.

Here is what I ended up trying.

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Friends, Life, Zelda, Zoey

My Week in Photos (July 2)



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Anxiety, Life, Poetry, Zelda

Social Anxiety on Social Media


I wanted to hide yesterday and never come out again.  Going off of my antidepressants has been a little rough this time around.  From the constant nausea to the oppressive anxiety it has not been a cake walk.

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Life, Zelda

Wordless Wednesday


Life, Mamasita, Moving, Zoey

And then it was the last day of April

I blinked and it is almost summer.  One of my favorite bloggers (sewliberated) has recently come back from a long hiatus and I realized that I had not posted here since January.  So much has happend in the past four months.

The biggest thing is that our beloved Mama Kitty died.  She had been diagnosed with kidney disease in October.  In March she started to become lethargic and at the beginning of April she succumbed to something.  The vet thinks she might have had a brain tumor in addition to her kidney problems.  We cried a lot and now we have a little Mama  shrine with her photo, ashes, and paw print.

Zoey and Mamasita in the late afternoon sunshine.

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Blog, Books, Classroom, Cleaning, Family, Halloween, Holidays, Knitting, Mamasita, Zoey

2015 Year end review

Twenty Fifteen was a year of change and a year of things staying the same.

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Books, Cleaning, Life, Mamasita


I bought THE book on tidying.  The one that everyone is talking about.

002 Continue reading “Purging”